Thoughts on My Sexuality

I have this mental filter that I use, where I look for ideas, strip them down to their essentials, compare them to other things, and decide if it's a particularly useful distinction by itself. If it isn't, I separate it out and put it in a separate mental compartment. I use this primarily to determine what is actually worth valuing and what isn't. It is fortunate that I only think about things that are important to me, as it allows me to filter out any stupid values I might have had.

I've thrown out a lot of potential subjects to be valued like this. This box is populated with concepts like "decency", "virginity", "sacredness", "humanity", "identity as a(n) [insert label]", and a whole lot of other things like these.

I get the feeling somehow that the most I could do with this technique is to sort of "emulate" wanting something I actually don't and that would make me act irrationally or against my own interests. Except I haven't seen this to actually happen. It's actually changing the way I think about things and what I want. I'm glad for it, too. I should figure out where I get this feeling from though.

It's a sort of testament to how powerful this has been at changing the way I value things that I think this is what turned me from, in an assumptive and possibly self-fulfilling sense, straight, to bisexual. If bisexual is even the right word for it. "Non-exclusive" is my preferred description of it, but I don't go around labeling myself.

A person's gender and sex are things I've ended up throwing away as a particular value after passing them through this filter. I keep the concepts themselves around to understand how others think, but they aren't important to me beyond this. In a sense I've become virtually blind to a person's sex in my attraction to them, and as far as gender I can't pick a preference between them without pointing out specific characteristics of masculinity and femininity, which will obviously exist to varying degrees in different people, rendering the distinctions themselves virtually useless in application.

Actually I think of masculine/feminine to be as false a dichotomy as the plaid/polkadot dichotomy. They aren't natural and complementary opposites, they're just mutually exclusive definitions. I don't even think in terms of masculine and feminine, they're useful as words, but useless as ideas.

The way I approach things now, I'm not attracted to men, I'm not attracted to women, I'm attracted to people, irrelevant of sex, gender, species, and race.

I have a personal bias toward "male" and "female" instead of "man" and "woman". "Man" means more than just "human with a penis". It implies masculinity. The same holds for "woman". I really prefer the more concise terms "male" and "female". They're so concise that engineers use them to describe interfacing components.

When I see a very masculine man, it doesn't do anything for me. Worse yet when they're imperfectly masculine and trying to be more masculine. I don't find it attractive at all. I find it deceptive. I find the preoccupation with masculinity, which I've discarded as something valuable in itself, to demonstrate a deeper preoccupation with illusion over substance. The same holds for extremely feminine women, especially ones that are making an evident conscious effort to be ideally feminine. I could never be attracted to someone I knew was bulimic or wore a corset to try to look good. But they'll find some equally shallow-minded partner and be as happy as two such people can be, I suppose.

I honestly couldn't get turned on by just appearances. Behavior I can find erotic no matter who is doing it, but simple physical appearance does nothing. I don't get off on pictures of genitalia, there's got to be behavior implied, otherwise I see it fit only for an anatomy textbook. Supposedly "provocative" clothing provokes nothing from me. I couldn't get turned on at a nude beach full of pornstars unless they're demonstrating their trade.

There's certain things I like about masculinity. Strength, toughness, confidence, productivity, I like those sorts of things. There's also things I like about femininity. Compassion, nurturing, teaching, I like those. There's things I dislike about both, too. Aggressiveness, passivity, arrogance, dependence, those sorts of things. I like strong, confident, independent females as much as males, and compassionate, caring males as much as females. But lumping these characteristics all into two piles and calling them "masculine" and "feminine" seems stupid to me. The only thing that strength and productivity have in common with each other and don't have in common with nurturing and teaching is that two are associated with manly men and two are associated with womanly women.

I like people who are content to just be people, and just be their natural, honest, free, independent selves.

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